I have half a pair of “Like Jazz” done….this is a very underloved pattern by the way. It has a fascinating heel that gets rid of that funky pooling around the gusset.. at first I was all like UGH.. and then I was all like WOAH that’s awesome!

I also started a vest out of some lovely alpaca yarn I got at Rhinebeck

And that’s as far as I got.

I did manage to finish this though

It’s for my nephew in law… my bro and SIL had a baby and I didn’t want him to feel left out so he got this and a super special letter from Peter Parker saying what a great brother he will be.

Oh.. and also? I reverse engineered a nipple hat that I need to actually get over to them

Nip

It's for the baybeh to wear while breastfeeding. I think it's hysterical.

As far as fitness goes, I’ve been struggling.. I’m bored..and part of me wants to go back to karate and part of me is terrified… which makes no sense. But there it is. Also, looking back, it was LAST MARCH that I set a 30 day challenge for myself and didn’t finish it.. A WHOLE BOBDAMN YEAR! ~sigh~

oh! and I’ll be moving my original recipes (or copying them I’m not sure yet) over to a new blog.. just so you know.

Years ago, I used to work in an office that was much more culturally diverse.  This one is rather “pale”.  ~sigh~

At any rate, back before The Food Network was showing people how to cook things that were not your basic American Staples, before there were cooking competitions on TV every 20 minutes and before the Chef became the New Rock Star, ethnic food in my neck of the woods was Chinese Take Out.

Unless, we had an office party.

Office parties were where I first tried “Sweet potato pie” and Arroz con gandules and the fantabulous garlicky tender pork dish that had a Puerto Rican name.

I had no idea what it was.  I even dated a guy who was of Puerto Rican descent.. and his mom made us gandules and pasteles (which I did *not* like.. and I felt so bad because she worked so hard at them).

But I hadn’t had that pork dish again .. until Knitting Knoobie said that she was making Pernil for dinner.  I was all “whut?” and she told me and I was like YAY!!! that’s it!!!

I did a little digging around the web and found a recipe by The Rican Chef.   Nothing against her method, but I was not about to tie up my oven all night when I had a crock pot that would do the job.  I made this a few times an tweaked it a bit here and there.
It’s really pretty easy.. you chop up some garlic with oregano, salt and pepper

Chopped garlic and spices

Prep your pork by stabbing it full of holes

Pork shoulder

Fill those holes with the garlic, sprinkle with adobo and shove in crock pot.

In the crock pot

Voila!

Pernil and Greens

ok.. it’s not the best picture…

Pernil with greens and black beans

Eh.. whatever.. it’s good.. trust me.

This led me to the page where you can now create your own account to register etc etc.. so I found my information and logged on.

And was presented with a picture of someone who was supposed to be me.

I was Flah-oored (that’s “floored” with an extra syllable for emphasis). THAT is what my face used to look like?  That picture was taken the day I decided to join the YMCA where karate was being taught.  I know about when this was, because I started this blog about the same time.

I had no idea how different I looked.  I mean I know I’m buying clothes that are smaller but I didn’t really realize the changes that have happened over the past three years… now, imagine if I actually put my mind to this whole body recomposition thing.

I do have a ways to go as far as getting more fit, but I’m REALLY wishing I had taken more “before” pictures. This photo from nowhere was a blessing.. and an inspiration.

So anyway… enough build up. Here they are.. before and after, the face only edition.

This was taken at the YMCA when I joined in 2008

This is my face now in 2011

 PS: That first photo really was NOT taken in a prison.. even though it looks like it.

PPS: I know they are tiny photos…  that was the size they uploaded so I rolled with it.

I was vacillating between anger and fear and overwhelming sadness. It wasn’t pretty.

A long time ago, I learned that when I feel like someone snuck a dose of “instant depression” in my drink, it does me no good to mope around. It makes me more miserable and the longer I sit and stew, the more I feel like a powder keg.

Not surprisingly, it makes it not fun to be around me. I grew up with that kind of bottled anger and I don’t like subjecting my loved ones to it.

So I put my laundry away… and I cleaned off my desk.. and I looked around for things to do.

None of these things worked.

So, I did what makes me happy. I baked. Despite the fact that I’m working hard to keep the sweets out of the house, what I wanted to was to bake cookies. I’m sure that this inspiration came from the surprise that LB had waiting for me when I got home.

Good to the Grain: Baking with Whole Grain Flours by Kim Boyce

Evidently this book won a James Beard Award, which is how she found it.

I have always loved baking and since we’ve been eating healthier, I’ve been making whole wheat bread and really learning to enjoy it again.    You get an entirely different flavor with whole grains and honestly, white bread doesn’t taste good to me anymore.

After a quick perusal of the meager staples in my baking pantry, I realized that I had ingredients for the chocolate chip cookies.  I had just 9 ounces of chocolate chips on hand.  We keep them for when we want a little bit of chocolate..  a few chips and some walnuts and we are good to go. ..   I had butter in the freezer because we use it for fried eggs.

The chocolate chip cookie recipe in here is straight forward.. it’s pretty much like any other recipe.. butter, sugar, eggs, vanilla, flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt.  Toss in some chocolate chips and   Poof.. cookies.

What I did not anticipate was how wonderful these cookies are. They are about the size of your palm and they are the right proportion of sweet to salty, they are crunchy at the edges and chewy in the middle.. the butter adds a beautiful richness and the whole wheat flour?  it adds a subtle nutty flavor that will make every other cookie made from white flour pale in comparison (pun intended)

Whole Wheat Chocolate Chip Cookie

But enough about the cookie.. what about the book?

Good to the Grain by Kim Boyce covers grains that I’ve only heard about in passing.  Initially, I assumed that there would be your basic wheat and rye recipes, but I was pleasantly surprised… although I suspect that I’m going to have to special order a few of these.  Kim Boyce has 5 or 6 recipes for each of the following flours:

• Whole Wheat
• Amaranth
• Barley
• Buckwheat
• Corn
• Kamut
• Multigrain (she gives you her multigrain blend recipe which you can make yourself)
• Oat
• Quinoa
• Rye
• Spelt
• Teff

She also has a few recipes for jams and compotes to go with your creations.

I do think a few of these recipes are kind of a “cheat” or filler.  I mean, one of the recipes for the “oat flour” is Steel cut oats.. uh..  the only difference between what’s on the box is that she has you toast the oats first… intriguing.. but I don’t think I’d call that “baking”.  The tagline for the book is “Baking with Whole Grain Flours”. Steel cut oats are not “flour”, either.  There is also a section on kitchen tools and pantry basics (eggs, butter, etc etc), that for anyone who knows their way around a kitchen, will find less than useful.

But, to be fair, there are some inspired recipes in here that aren’t really baking either.. I mean I’m so ready to try the pear and buckwheat pancakes.  Doods, you GRATE the pears into the batter.. I’m all over that.  And Strawberry Barley scones?  Yes please.

Overall, the book is well written and the instructions are clear and easy to follow.  I wish there was a recipe index however.. recipes are broken down by “flour”.. which is cool considering the goal of the book is probably to get you looking at new flour types.

If you are interested in finding new grains to bake with and don’t mind trying things are a little unusual, I say pick up a copy. If you just want to make whole wheat stuff, this is not the book for you.

The body is a machine as well as a temple and it requires the right kind of fuel to keep things running smoothly.

I’ve seen Hungry Girl before but I’ve never really poked around her website, and to be honest, I only poked a little this morning so this may not be a fair assessment. But, she posted a link to Better’n Peanut Butter with Bananas and how it’s so much better because it’s low calorie less fat!

I couldn’t find the nutritional information for the kind with bananas, but I did find their information on their Low Sodium variety.

Take a gander at this list of ingredients:

Ingredients: PEANUTS (AS DEFATTED PEANUT FLOUR AND NATURAL PEANUT BUTTER), TAPIOCA SYRUP, PURE WATER, DEHYDRATED CANE JUICE, RICE SYRUP, VEGETABLE GLYCERIN, SOY FLOUR, SALT, TAPIOCA STARCH, NATURAL FOOD FLAVORS, PAPRIKA & ANNATO, CALCIUM CARBONATE, LECITHIN, VITAMINS E & C (ANTIOXIDANTS).

Um.. this is better for me how? And could someone please tell me what the hell is “Natural Food Flavors”? 

The FDA says:

The term natural flavor or natural flavoring means the essential oil, oleoresin, essence or extractive, protein hydrolysate, distillate, or any product of roasting, heating or enzymolysis, which contains the flavoring constituents derived from a spice, fruit or fruit juice, vegetable or vegetable juice, edible yeast, herb, bark, bud, root, leaf or similar plant material, meat, seafood, poultry, eggs, dairy products, or fermentation products thereof, whose significant function in food is flavoring rather than nutritional.

Shouldn’t food have it’s OWN flavor?

Here is the peanut butter that we eat at our house

Teddie All Natural Unsalted Peanut Butter

Ingredients: ROASTED PEANUTS

That’s it.

I know I know.. peanuts have fat.. more fat means more calories.  But more fat also means a higher satiety.  And yanno what?

There is no added sugar in my peanut butter.  There are THREE different sugars in this “Better’n Peanut Butter”.  Dehydrated cane juice,  Tapioca Syrup and Rice Syrup are  sugars.   No thank you.  If I want sugar, I’ll eat some fruit. 

Peanuts are GOOD for you.  Sure I’m eating more calories, but I’m not going to be hungry.  A glob of peanut butter with  a banana will keep me happy for hours.. sometimes right past lunch time.  I’m going to bet that I’m consuming FEWER calories in the long run because I’m not looking for a snack in an hour. 

The stigma against fat from the 90′s is still around.  People got FATTER  and less healthy by cutting their fat because they were increasing their sugar intake.  And evidently, it did little or nothing for their heart health.

Listen, your body NEEDS fat. It keeps your immune system working. It helps build healthy cells. It helps your brain work.

And guess what? Eating nuts can help your heart.

Eating nuts as part of a healthy diet can be good for your heart. Nuts, which contain unsaturated fatty acids and other nutrients, are a great snack food, too. They’re inexpensive, easy to store and easy to take with you to work or school.

The type of nut you eat isn’t that important, although some nuts have more heart-healthy nutrients and fats than do others. Walnuts, almonds, hazelnuts — you name it — almost every type of nut has a lot of nutrition packed into a tiny package. If you have heart disease, eating nuts instead of a less healthy snack can help you more easily follow a heart-healthy diet..

So, I’m going to continue to eat a REAL peanut butter and skip all the crap that got shoved into and removed from that other stuffPeanut butter is fabulous exactly how it is.. no need to make it “better”.
PS: Teddie Peanut butter is a USA product. Peanuts are grown and processed right here in the Good Ol’ USA.

In our second session, my counselor said something that has kind of stuck with me. 

“Who is the one who would always say “you should”? ”

Turns out it was me.

As a kid, I was always putting pressure on myself, doing the things that I “should” do.  As I reached adulthood, I got more and more annoyed with the “shoulds”. 

Someone asks for something? I should do it.

Got an invite to a party? I should go.

Go to college? I should go.

Even though I didn’t want to, I spent a lot of time sacrificing my own needs and wants because I “should”.  I was a door mat.  I went places I didn’t want to go.  I went to college 300 miles away because I kept being told that I was too smart not to go to college. So I felt I should. 

I hated it. I hated feeling like I didn’t exist… but I did it for years.

When LB and I got together, I made a deal with myself.  I wasn’t going to mess up this great thing by doing things that “I should”.  Only what “I want”.

Which worked great in a lot of ways.   We compromise on things, but my own identity remained solid.  If I didn’t want to do something I felt I could speak up and say eh, I don’t really feel like it. 

It was liberating.. It was wonderful!

And like many things in my life, I took it too far.

I should eat healthy meals, get to work on time, and plan my day.

I should get my oil changed on time, clean up the back yard, pick up after myself.

I don’t do these things because somewhere I’ve gotten this little voice that WHINES when I “should” do something.

I pondered this over breakfast this morning… I was thinking “I should go to karate class tonight” (it’s been too long.. AGAIN…  look! Guilt! yay! .. noo.. boo…boo..)

and the internal battle began.  .. 

First the feeling of  “meh”

Then the “but you should go… you are always bitching about how you are getting fat again” <– judgement.. isn’t that great! ? 

and onto more “meh”

I can’t begin to describe the feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I say “should”.  I get stubborn. I get childish.

I get physically ill.  Nauseated and borderline weepy. .. and then I get mad that I’m having these feelings.. and then I get the guilt wave. Especially since, I usually say to LB “I’m going to karate tonight” and then when 6:30 rolls around and I’m still sitting on my ass and she says “are you going to karate tonight” I say “well, I should“.

After thinking about this today, I realized that I need to think about what I WANT not what I think I should do.

Do I want to go to karate?

Yes. Yes I do. 

So I texted LB today and I said “I want to go to karate tonight so lets have dinner early”.

It’s such a small step but actually putting it in “writing” solidified it for me.

Now, instead of dreading the rush home, the walking into class where people are likely to be all “hey where you been?” and dealing with that nonsense, I’m drinking water, eating a good meal and getting excited about going.

It’s amazing to me how just a simple change in perception can wipe away all the emotional dreck that goes with “expectations”.  After all, I got into karate for ME.  All I needed to do was remind myself of it.

Even have those days where you are hungry but you just don’t feel like anything appeals?  The thought of actually consuming something brings on a bout of apathy?

You’d think, considering how often this happens to me, that I’d be thinner.  However, I suspect what happens is that I just scrounge around nibbling on little bits of this and that all night trying to find something that I want to eat.. and end up eating more than I realized.

LB cooked up something that was yummy.. but didn’t satisfy me.  There was absolutely nothing wrong with it.. and I ate enough to take the edge off my hunger… because being hungry is not a good thing..  messes up your day.. then I ate a giant tablespoon of cashew butter…  and that didn’t do it..

So I sat down in the living room and told myself  “do not go scrounging around for just anything to snack on”.

I turned to my yarn and to twitter and my TV. Distraction was my game.
I started working on the afghan I’m making for our house.  Last year, I convinced myself to pull the Stitch Sampler Afghan I made out of the box in the closet and actually use it. Acrylic yarn is tough stuff and this stood up to doggy abuse, so I figured a full sized one was in order.

After a few false starts, I finally figured out the stitch pattern.

Yes, I have Mario pants.. you got a problem with that?

So, I’m hooking along, trying to ignore that voice in my head that is encouraging me to start the futile search for whatever mystery food will satisfy that unnamed craving.

Then, something curious popped up on my twitter feed.

Eggs? Tomatoes? Whut?

*as an aside, I cannot tell you how much glee I get out of the email that said “Your Mom is now following you on Twitter”.

I was fascinated.  First of all, something internally yelled ‘EGGS! YES! That is what I want!” and then  the follow up.

Tomato Sauce? huh? bizzaro.. but.. intriguing.  I’ve tried eggs with salsa before and found them to be disgusting.

Well I wandered off to Google (do ya think I might have clicked the link in that tweet? of course not) and found the same Smitten Kitchen link that MuffPunch *snicker* linked to.

I thought, ah what the hell .. it might not suck.

Not suck? it was FANTASTIC!

I snapped a quick (and fuzzy) pic after two bites because I wanted to share the awesomeness with you but at the same time I wanted to gobble this up.

NOM!

That is my eggs poached in tomato sauce, on whole wheat toast and topped with a grated cheese.

So, based on the original recipe and what I had on hand I give you my Recipe Hack for Smitten Kitchen’s Eggs in Tomato Sauce which was evidently hacked from Martha Stewart.

But.

I’ve been craving falafel.

The falafel mix that I usually use had potato starch in it and every recipe I could find used wheat flour to thicken and bind the chick peas together.  Also? I really wasn’t into pulling out the Fry Daddy.  It’s such a mess!

I figured I’d head on over to my favorite repository for all things South Beach.  Kalyn’s Kitchen.   Kalyn had a recipe for Baked Falafel (score!) but she also used wheat flour.  (boo..)    but! one of the comments mentioned chick pea flour (score!)

Turns out Kalyn modified a  recipe from Epicurious so even though this is super similar to Kalyn’s recipe, I think I’m ok to post my modifications as a recipe and not just a recipe hack.

I was going to double her recipe because I wanted to make use of an entire back of chickpeas, but a bag is more than twice the recipe so I ended up modifying a few other things as well.  Mostly my method is different because I couldn’t fit everything into my food processor at once and I also think I left the chickpeas a little chunkier than she did.

At any rate, here it is.

Falafel patties before baking

Gluten Free Falafel

Sheesh.

Ok.. here goes.. first my recent pic:

This is me on the trail to Honka Tie at Lapland Lake. Honka Tie is one of the intermediate trails. It was super fast skiing day because the trails were icy and I was a bit apprehensive because the trails were FAST that day.   I’m just getting back into skiing.. (oh wait.. let’s start the list)

1. I have an irrational fear of falling down and hurting myself.  This has kept me from trying, among other things,  Roller Derby.
2. I really only want to try Roller Derby because I want to wear the hot sexy outfits. Where else can you wear pink hot pants and torn fishnets while whipping around on skate and intentionally crashing into each other.  Considering my level of coordination, this is the perfect sport for me.. except for, well that falling down thing.
3. On occasion, (and not as much as I should.. for some reason my heart isn’t in it lately) I train in Shotokan Karate.  I’m currently a green belt.  One more test and I get to wear a brown belt.
4. After not getting on skis in 10 years, I decided that with all the snowfall this year, it was time to get back on the the trails. I only cross country ski.   The thought of riding a ski lift and plummeting to my death scares the crap out of me.  Even though I still fall on cross country skis, you don’t have that far to fall.. plus? there is snow to cushion your butt.
5. Reading the above, you would think that I’m an intensely athletic person, but the truth is, I’m not.  I spent most of my high school years trying to figure out how to ditch gym class and keep my geeky 4.0 average.  Gym was  the ONLY reason I never got a 4.0.   Annoying.  I’ve always lived in my brain and ignored my body.   This was easier when I was younger because I was so high strung and nervous that I burned off every calorie I ever ate with nervous twitches and by dodging bullies.
6. I graduated from cosmetology school, but never took my State Board Test.  After working on a temporary license for three months, I discovered that I don’t like people enough to touch them on a regular basis
7. I considered going to massage therapy school.. then I remembered #6
8. I have been to college for acting, computer information systems, web design and culinary arts with a focus on pastry. I have degrees in none of those things but use all those skills in my real life.
9. I’m considering going back to school for a degree in business administration. Why the hell not?
10. In spite of feeling like I’m “okay” at things, people tell me that I pick up on new skills very quickly.  I always thought everyone was like that.  Things come naturally to me which makes it hard for me to stick with any formal education. I get boooooooored.
11. This also means that when things don’t come easy, I give up really quickly too.
12. I talk with dead people, can read your aura, and tell your future.  Yes, really. Also? I can hear what your dog is saying.
13. I was attuned to Reiki before Reiki was cool.  After working with it for 10 years or so I became a Reiki Master Teacher, but I don’t teach anyone.  I just use it for my friends and family.
14. I get annoyed by people who go from knowing almost nothing about Reiki to getting their Master Attunement in a weekend. It cheapens the experience for everyone.
15. I came out at 28.  I didn’t realize that I was queer for the longest time. I just thought everyone felt like I did. Also, technically, you could call me bisexual but since I’ve found the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with and she happens to be a she, it’s just easier to identify as lesbian.

Oh and one last thing.  Don’t expect this 30 days thing to be timely.. it’s not gonna happen.

EDIT: I cannot fix that stupid margin to save my life.  Eyes crossing.. will dig into CSS tomorrow.. or something.. sorry the numbers are all cut off

The 30 Days Project
Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your Blog name
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Your favorite song.